How Much I Feel Read online

  PRAISE FOR MARIE FORCE

  “I will never be the same after reading this book.”

  —5-star review for Five Years Gone from As You Wish Reviews

  “There is not a doubt in my mind that this book will be one of the top books of 2018 for me.”

  —5-star review for Five Years Gone by Julie from Hey Girl HEA

  “Simply put: One Year Home made my heart happy. Through all of the ups and downs, angst and darkness, unexpected love and insurmountable odds, this powerful novel pulled at my heartstrings and left me breathless.”

  —Top pick from Sara at Harlequin Junkie for One Year Home

  “Treading Water isn’t your typical romance where you’re positive you’re going to get the happy ending you were hoping for at the beginning. It will rip your heart out at times and have you weeping for joy at others. A stunning story about learning to love again and learning when to let go of those you love.”

  —Night Owl Reviews, reviewer top pick

  “I love, love, love anything to do with the Gansett Island residents! They are real! They love, suffer, and succeed just as any human being would. Following this group of characters through all their ups and downs is addicting.”

  —As You Wish Reviews

  OTHER TITLES BY MARIE FORCE

  The Gansett Island Series

  Book 1: Maid for Love (Mac & Maddie)

  Book 2: Fool for Love (Joe & Janey)

  Book 3: Ready for Love (Luke & Sydney)

  Book 4: Falling for Love (Grant & Stephanie)

  Book 5: Hoping for Love (Evan & Grace)

  Book 6: Season for Love (Owen & Laura)

  Book 7: Longing for Love (Blaine & Tiffany)

  Book 8: Waiting for Love (Adam & Abby)

  Book 9: Time for Love (Daisy & David)

  Book 10: Meant for Love (Jenny & Alex)

  Book 10.5: Chance for Love (Jared & Lizzie)

  Book 11: Gansett After Dark (Owen & Laura)

  Book 12: Kisses After Dark (Shane & Katie)

  Book 13: Love After Dark (Paul & Hope)

  Book 14: Celebration After Dark (Big Mac & Linda)

  Book 15: Desire After Dark (Slim & Erin)

  Book 16: Light After Dark (Mallory & Quinn)

  Book 17: Victoria & Shannon (Episode 1)

  Book 18: Kevin & Chelsea (Episode 2)

  Novella: A Gansett Island Christmas

  Book 19: Mine After Dark (Riley & Nikki)

  Book 20: Yours After Dark (Finn & Chloe)

  Book 21: Trouble After Dark (Deacon & Julia)

  Book 22: Rescue After Dark (Mason & Jordan)

  The Quantum Series

  Book 1: Virtuous (Flynn & Natalie)

  Book 2: Valorous (Flynn & Natalie)

  Book 3: Victorious (Flynn & Natalie)

  Book 4: Rapturous (Hayden & Addie)

  Book 5: Ravenous (Jasper & Ellie)

  Book 6: Delirious (Kristian & Aileen)

  Book 7: Outrageous (Emmett & Leah)

  Book 8: Famous (Marlowe & Sebastian)

  The Treading Water Series

  Book 1: Treading Water (Jack & Andi)

  Book 2: Marking Time (Clare & Aidan)

  Book 3: Starting Over (Brandon & Daphne)

  Book 4: Coming Home (Reid & Kate)

  Book 5: Finding Forever (Maggie & Brayden)

  The Green Mountain Series

  Book 1: All You Need Is Love (Will & Cameron)

  Book 2: I Want to Hold Your Hand (Nolan & Hannah)

  Book 3: I Saw Her Standing There (Colton & Lucy)

  Book 4: And I Love Her (Hunter & Megan)

  Novella: You’ll Be Mine (Will & Cameron)

  Book 5: It’s Only Love (Gavin & Ella)

  Book 6: Ain’t She Sweet (Tyler & Charlotte)

  The Butler, Vermont Series

  (Continuation of the Green Mountain Series)

  Book 1: Every Little Thing (Grayson & Emma)

  Book 2: Can’t Buy Me Love (Patrick & Mary)

  Book 3: Here Comes the Sun (Wade & Mia)

  Book 4: Till There Was You (Lucas & Dani)

  Book 5: All My Loving (Landon & Amanda)

  Single Titles

  Five Years Gone

  One Year Home

  Sex Machine

  Sex God

  The Wreck

  Georgia on My Mind

  True North

  The Fall

  Everyone Loves a Hero

  Love at First Flight

  Line of Scrimmage

  Historical Romance

  The Gilded Series

  Book 1: Duchess by Deception

  Book 2: Deceived by Desire

  Romantic Suspense

  The Fatal Series

  One Night With You (A Fatal Series Prequel Novella)

  Book 1: Fatal Affair

  Book 2: Fatal Justice

  Book 3: Fatal Consequences

  Book 3.5: Fatal Destiny (The Wedding Novella)

  Book 4: Fatal Flaw

  Book 5: Fatal Deception

  Book 6: Fatal Mistake

  Book 7: Fatal Jeopardy

  Book 8: Fatal Scandal

  Book 9: Fatal Frenzy

  Book 10: Fatal Identity

  Book 11: Fatal Threat

  Book 12: Fatal Chaos

  Book 13: Fatal Invasion

  Book 14: Fatal Reckoning

  Book 15: Fatal Accusation

  Book 16: Fatal Fraud

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organizations, places, events, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  Text copyright © 2020 by HTJB, Inc.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

  Published by Montlake, Seattle

  www.apub.com

  Amazon, the Amazon logo, and Montlake are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc., or its affiliates.

  Marie Force is a registered trademark with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.

  ISBN-13: 9781542021319

  ISBN-10: 1542021316

  Cover design by Hang Le

  CONTENTS

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  CHAPTER 5

  CHAPTER 6

  CHAPTER 7

  CHAPTER 8

  CHAPTER 9

  CHAPTER 10

  CHAPTER 11

  CHAPTER 12

  CHAPTER 13

  CHAPTER 14

  CHAPTER 15

  CHAPTER 16

  CHAPTER 17

  CHAPTER 18

  CHAPTER 19

  CHAPTER 20

  CHAPTER 21

  CHAPTER 22

  CHAPTER 23

  CHAPTER 24

  EPILOGUE

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  CHAPTER 1

  CARMEN

  It took only one day for my dream job to turn into a nightmare. Actually, that’s being generous. In reality, it took one fifteen-minute meeting with the hospital president to throw years of studying, planning and dreaming straight out the window into the blistering South Florida sunshine.

  Nowhere in the elaborate job description I was given at my interview to be Miami-Dade General Hospital’s assistant director of public relations did the word babysitter appear. Let’s face it, if I’d known what they really wanted me to do, I wouldn’t be wilting in the scorching early-morning heat waiting for Dr. Jason Northrup to arrive for his first day.

  “Anything he wants or needs, get it for him,” Mr. Augustino instructed. “Ju
st keep him away from the executive offices.”

  “But today’s my first day, too. Wouldn’t it be better to have someone who knows the facility meet and escort him?”

  “I want you to do it,” he said, leaving no room for further argument.

  “Should I bring him up here to speak with you?”

  “I’m with the board of directors all day. Don’t bring him anywhere near the conference room.”

  Something stinks to high heaven about this whole thing. Why isn’t the hospital rolling out the red carpet to welcome Dr. Northrup? Mr. Augustino referred to Northrup as a world-class, board-certified pediatric neurosurgeon. If he doesn’t warrant the red carpet, who does? Most puzzling of all is why Mr. Augustino would let the newest person on his staff handle such an important task and not want to be there himself.

  My boss’s late directive gave me no time to research my first “assignment,” which has me unprepared and out of sorts as I wait for him. Mr. Augustino gave me a photo of a sinfully handsome man with dirty-blond hair, golden-brown eyes and the perfect amount of scruff on his chiseled jaw. I can only imagine Northrup’s type: privileged, pampered and pardoned for his sins. Now it’s my job to kiss up to him and make him feel “welcome.”

  After years of waitressing and taking care of actual children to put myself through college and graduate school, being told to babysit him infuriates me. All the carefully cultivated marketing and publicity plans I put together in anticipation of wowing the bosses on my first day are still stashed inside the leather-bound portfolio I clutch to my chest, useless in light of the task I’ve been given for the day as I roast in dense late-June humidity.

  One thing I’ll say for Miami-Dade General Hospital is the grounds are gorgeous, with lush landscaping, colorful flower beds and grass kept green in the summer heat thanks to artfully hidden sprinklers.

  Naturally, the good doctor is late, which gives me far too much time to consider my limited options as I try not to completely wilt in heat that makes my armpits feel swampy and has my ruthlessly straightened hair starting to curl. I could go to HR and tell them the position isn’t a good fit after all. With less than a day on the job, it won’t show up on my permanent record, especially since I only just completed the paperwork needed to enroll in the hospital’s payroll system and health insurance program. I could still put a stop to it.

  But then I recall how proud my parents and grandmothers were when I landed my first big job following years of school. After moving back home when Tony died, I’m finally on my own again in a new apartment I recently rented near the hospital in Kendall. And there’s the wardrobe of power suits I purchased on credit so I could present a professional appearance at work. Paying for all of that is dependent upon my new cushy salary, which will be lost if I quit.

  Quitting isn’t an option.

  Not when I haven’t even given the job a chance. Besides, I’m not a quitter. My beloved Abuela would be so disappointed. She and my equally beloved Nona were happier about me landing this job than I was. Not to mention my top goal has always been to make Tony proud of me. I’m convinced he’s close to me, and I want him to see me surviving and thriving, not walking away from a challenge the first time it gets tough. I can’t disappoint everyone in my life by walking away from this opportunity. I’ve restored a bit of steel to my spine by the time the roar of a sports car draws my attention to the hospital’s long driveway.

  I watch in disbelief as a sleek black convertible Porsche growls its way up the half-circle drive with Northrup at the wheel and a bottle blonde in a sexy red dress riding shotgun.

  “What a cliché,” I mutter as he brings the low-slung black car to a halt two feet from where I stand ready to “welcome” him.

  He alights from the car with catlike grace, tall, muscular and even handsomer than his photo—of course. As he comes toward me, he flashes a cocky smile, and damn if every cell in my body doesn’t stand up and sing “Hallelujah” in a loud chorus of tightening nipples and dampening panties, which infuriates me.

  I don’t want any part of me reacting to any part of him, but I’d have to be dead not to notice this man. And while I might’ve been mostly numb for the last five years, Dr. Northrup is living proof that I’m still very much a living, breathing woman who recognizes a hot man when she sees one.

  He props Wayfarer sunglasses on hair that’s messy from the convertible. On him, messy is sexy. His golden eyes sparkle, his smile is straight out of a toothpaste commercial and his body . . . Wow. He must’ve spent as many hours in the gym as he logged in medical school.

  I realize I’m staring but can’t seem to bring myself to blink. Have I ever seen a more perfectly beautiful man in my entire life? The thought makes me feel disrespectful to the memory of the only man I’ve ever loved and snaps me out of the stupor I slipped into at the sight of Northrup.

  I clear my throat and clutch the portfolio more tightly to my chest, desperate to hide any evidence of my ridiculous reaction to him. “Dr. Northrup?”

  “That’d be me. And you are?”

  “Carmen.” I extend a hand that I pray isn’t sweaty. “Carmen Giordino, assistant director of public relations. Welcome to Miami-Dade General Hospital.”

  “Pleased to meet you, Ms. Giordino.” Somehow he makes the act of taking my hand, squeezing it lightly and releasing it into an erotic sex act that once again steals the breath from my lungs and the starch from my spine.

  I hate him for making me react to him the way every other woman with a pulse has probably responded to him since puberty. I hate him even more when I discover he’s pressed a fifty-dollar bill into my hand. I’m about to ask him what it’s for when he fills in the blanks for me.

  “Do me a favor, and please take Betty to the cafeteria, buy her some breakfast and send her off in a cab,” he says in a low tone that only I can hear.

  “But—”

  “Did someone ask you to meet me and see to my needs?”

  The way he says the word needs has me imagining him sweaty, naked and at my disposal, which infuriates me. I’m not sure who I’m more pissed with—him or myself. I feel my face go hot, and when I open my mouth to respond to his outrageous request, nothing comes out.

  “What I need is for you to take care of her.” He gives me an imploring look, and it’s all I can do not to swoon. “Okay?”

  It’s insulting enough to be asked to babysit a neurosurgeon, but being asked to babysit his bimbo one-night stand is another story altogether. “I’m sorry, but I’m not willing—”

  Ignoring me, he turns and gestures for “Betty” to join us on the curb. “Come on over and meet Carmen Giordino. She’ll help you find the cafeteria and a ride to the airport.” He kisses the blonde’s cheek. “It was good to meet you, but I’ve got to get to work now.”

  “Thank you so much for everything, Jason,” Betty says with her worshipful gaze fixed on his perfect face.

  Northrup flashes his version of a sincere smile. “My pleasure.”

  I roll my eyes, imagining what “everything” included in this case. The pang of jealousy that nips at me only serves to further annoy me. What do I care if she got to take a spin with him?

  He tosses his car keys to me, and I have the immediate choice of either catching them or letting them hit me in the head. I grab them a second before they would’ve hit me. “Can you find the staff lot and get Priscilla settled for me?” Winking, he adds, “Thanks. I owe you one.” Glancing at Betty, he flashes that brilliant grin. “Or maybe two.”

  “But where’re you going?”

  “To check out my new digs. I’ll catch up to you after a while.”

  “I’m supposed to—” I stop myself when I realize I’m talking to his back. So now I’m babysitting a bottle blonde and a Porsche 911? This day just gets better and better. I’ve never been prouder of the years I spent sweating my way through college and graduate school than I am in this moment.

  My low growl has Betty stepping back from me, tottering on sky-high heels
. “I’m not really all that hungry.” Her nervous titter bugs the crap out of me.

  I release my tight grip on the leather portfolio and let my arms drop to my sides, feeling utterly defeated an hour into my new “dream job.”

  Betty’s eyes go wide, her red lips forming an O.

  “What?” I look down to see what Betty is so focused on and notice that the veneer on my “leather” portfolio has baked onto the front of my very expensive and still-not-paid-for navy power suit. I let out a shriek of frustration.

  “I’m sure it’ll come off at the dry cleaner.” Betty’s kind smile makes me feel bad about the nasty thoughts I’ve had toward an innocent bystander to my career implosion.

  Deciding I have nothing to lose by making Betty my ally, I glance at the other woman, who towers over me thanks to those four-inch heels. “Could I ask you how you came to meet . . . him?”

  “It was the oddest coincidence.”

  Aren’t they all?

  “I was at the luggage thingy in the airport waiting for my bags that never came and my now ex-boyfriend who never showed up to get me.” Betty swipes at a tear. “Then the airline couldn’t book me on a flight home until this morning. I used all my money and maxed out my credit card flying here to see the jerk who stood me up. No luggage, no money, no jerk. Jason saw me crying and asked if he could help. Thank God for him, or I would’ve had to sleep in the airport. He even took me out for a nice dinner and bought me a bottle of my favorite wine.”

  “And what did he get in return for all this hospitality?” The question is out of my mouth before I can stop it. Horrified, I’m about to apologize for my rudeness when she continues.

  “Nothing.” Betty doesn’t seem insulted by my question, which she absolutely should be. “He did me a favor and asked for nothing in return. He even slept on the sofa so I could have the bed. Then the alarm on his phone didn’t go off. He was running late for his first day and was all stressed out. Do you know what time it is? My flight to Philly is at ten thirty. I’d like to see if they found my bag before then.”

  I check my phone, see that it’s almost nine and eye the Porsche. “Get in.” I wonder if it’s possible to be fired on my first day. I’m about to find out as I slide into the scorching leather driver’s seat and kick off my heels so I can drive this thing. The car starts with a growl that vibrates through my body, reminding me of the tingling reaction I had to its owner. His car smells the way I imagine he does—citrus and spice and hot man.